Why Do We Keep Having the Same Fight Again and Again?

Picture Rose and Alex. They have been together for ten years. They get along well most of the time, but find that, when they argue, things get intense and heated. They don’t always argue about the same things. Sometimes it’s about whose turn it was to do the laundry; sometimes it’s about Rose wanting to go out and Alex wanting to stay home; sometimes it’s about Alex’s parents making snide remarks about Rose and Alex not jumping in to intervene.

But while the content of their arguments is not always the same, the pattern of interaction repeats itself. Rose will initiate by presenting Alex with a thesis about who is at fault, what the data is to back this up, and what is to be done to fix it. Alex becomes defensive and sarcastic, looking out the window and scrolling through Instagram as they ‘talk.’ Rose becomes sad and embarrassed, quieting immediately. The two retreat to opposite corners of the home until they cool off, which can take hours or even days.

Why do these ways of interacting tend to repeat? The way we are with significant others in our adult lives, be they friends, romantic partners, our children, etc., is shaped by our histories. Our experience up to the present is the dataset that our minds use to help us make sense of our world and the people within it. We make decisions about how to act with those who are important to us by using what we know from what we experienced with those who we have loved in the past. If, as a child, Alex was made to feel worthless by a parent, it makes sense that any criticism is perceived as an attack on Alex as a whole person, and defensiveness can ensue. If Rose’s primary caregiver only gave in to Rose when presented with an intellectual argument, and did not respond well to emotional expression, Rose will likely try to use that intellectual and mechanical approach with significant others in adulthood as well. Even for those who were raised in secure, loving homes, distressing patterns can emerge when in the throes of an argument or emotionally-intense moment with loved ones.

If you find that there is a pattern that is causing distress to either individual or is driving a wedge in the relationship, the first matter is to contextualize. Rose and Alex both brought their histories to bear when in the midst of an argument. While we could argue that one party is ‘at fault,’ the reason that the argument became what it did was because of the interaction between the two of them. Each one triggered something in the other, which in turn caused another set of interactions. So while it may feel at times like one person is to blame because he/she is the one with the ‘troubled past,’ or the ‘daddy issues,’ it is often not that simple. It is at the point of interaction between the two individuals that the intervention can be made.

The next step is to turn these automatic, unconscious transactions into comprehensible patterns. It is Rose’s job to figure out why there is a temptation to present these scientific arguments, and why there is shame when these ideas are rebuffed. It is Alex’s job to figure out why there is intense defensiveness when there is a hint of criticism presented. They must ask themselves, what belief gets triggered when we have these interactions?

Once they understand what is happening, the couple can move towards exploring new possibilities. At this stage, there is a combination of accommodation and change. That is to say, Rose might modify her way of speaking to Alex in order to sidestep his trigger point, while still maintaining her right to assert her needs and express her disappointments. Alex might recognize that Rose is not being cold when she speaks the way she does, but still ask for her to add in some emotional tonality when having vulnerable conversations.

While "noticing what is going on" may sound too small of an intervention, it actually may be the most powerful one. Noticing is the key to unlocking new possibilities in any relationship.